Overcoming Anxiety

I've developed quite a bit of anxiety due to 15 months of feeling really sick all the time.

I guess I've always been a little more shy and anxious than most people to begin with, but it's gotten WAY worse because of my health issues.. and I come from a family whose general beliefs on anxiety, depression and other mental issues are: "It's all in your head," "mind over matter," "fake it till you make it," "just don't think about it," etc. so for months, I've tried to ignore the problem, which only makes it worse.

I've also always really hated attention. I don't like people thinking about me, worrying about me, or even looking at me.

Haha I have a love/hate relationship with blogging because I like doing it because it's like my journal and I'm doing it for myself and to hopefully help others as well, but now that I've shared it with some people, I feel so uneasy after every single post I publish just because I don't want people to think about me. I've always been pretty reserved and I've never felt like I deserve people's attention.

So, 2013 (the year before my health issues started) was one of the best years of my life so far. I graduated high school, I got to go to Mexico with my friend, I worked 3 different jobs over the summer and made a ton of money, I went on family trips, and then I started my first semester of college at BYU-Idaho. Life was so GREAT. I loved working, I loved seeing friends, and I loved going to school every day.

Now, I get anxious to go to the store with my mom. I get anxious to go to a movie with my sister. I get anxious to go to family gatherings. I get anxious to hang out with friends. I didn't used to, though. Even when I was first really sick, I wasn't nervous or anxious to do any of these things. I would still go out when I wasn't feeling well, but every time I went out, I would feel SO sick, that afterwards, I would promise myself that I would never do that again because it was so awful. I've felt so sick going places SO MANY TIMES the past 15 months, that now I obviously have terrible anxiety about going anywhere again! I get so nervous and afraid that I'll feel sick, that I actually make myself nauseas and weak just from worrying! It's so annoying!

And I've noticed I'm only anxious when I go somewhere WITH someone.. not when I'm by myself and I think that's because I don't want to let this person down.. I don't want to ruin their day, I don't want them to worry about me, I don't want them to have to turn around and take me back home right after we've left, and I don't want to feel sick and not be able to do something as simple as going to a movie. (I should mention: when I'm feeling great, I don't really get anxious at all to do anything, but it's when I feel even the slightest bit under-the-weather, that I get SO anxious because I'm afraid I'll feel worse later, like I have so many times before)

Anyways, so I thought the way to get rid of this new anxiety, was to just tell myself I was fine, I shouldn't feel like this, don't think about it, etc. But a couple weeks ago, when I saw my naturopath again, I told him I've developed bad anxiety and he told me some really important things about anxiety that I want to remember and share with others...

He said that every negative/anxious thought results from an un-met need, and it's important to go through a process of figuring out what that need is in order to overcome our anxiety. So, for example, if I get really anxious to go somewhere with someone, I need to stop and think, "ok what do I need? I need this person to understand how I'm feeling, I need them to respect me and I need to feel accepted and loved." And then, once we figure out what we need, we just need to communicate with that person and let them know what we need from them so that we won't have to be so anxious every time. It's all about communication.

He also talked to me about not being so hard on myself and told me to be aware of all my negative thoughts throughout my day and try to avoid putting myself down and never think, "I should just toughen up, I shouldn't feel like this." He said, "NO SHOULDS." I am only human.. it is how it is, and it's ok. I need to love myself and respect myself so others will respect me too.

I never realized it before he talked to me about this, but I've always been pretty hard on myself. I've always thought I'm not good enough or important enough to be understood and respected by people. Anything I have going on in my life, I should just keep it to myself and I should just not feel this way. But I deserve to be understood and respected. Everyone does. We are all sons and daughters of God. We have individual worth, and we deserve to be heard.

So that's what I'm currently working on-- Overcoming anxiety with better communication, and being kinder to myself. :)